


Blame the Dog

by shinysparks



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M, hh_sugarquill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-25
Updated: 2012-11-25
Packaged: 2017-11-19 12:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/573134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is convinced he's pregnant. Remus thinks he's just full of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blame the Dog

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Saturday Special over at HiH: Sugarquill at LJ (44 points for Slytherin! WOOT!) Prompt: A Pregnancy.
> 
> This is not MPREG, I swear. Also, you may need brain bleach after reading this. Be warned. ;)

“I’M PREGNANT, REMUS!” Sirius Black yelped, his gray eyes wide with fear as he flailed around the room of his and Remus's flat. He then pulled up his tight, white shirt and showed Remus his swollen, round belly.

Remus stared at him and his bulging stomach from their ragged, old couch, pinching his nose and trying hard not to roll his eyes. He watched Sirius pace back and forth across the tiny room quickly as his own head began to pound. Throbbing pain, middle of his forehead, unyielding; Remus bit his lip and groaned irritatedly. He knew a “Siri-ache” - a tension headache that could only be caused by the half-crazed antics of his roommate and lover - the moment he felt it.

“Are you drunk, Sirius?” Remus finally asked, not trying to hide the irritation in his voice.

“No... no... not at all. I thought about it, of course - that and having a good long wank in the shower - but then I thought it might be bad for the baby and MERLIN’S BEARD MOONY I DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS. I CAN’T BE A FATHER! I’D BE A TERRIBLE FATHER! I mean, I thought James and Lily had lost their minds when they asked me to be the godfather to little Harry and you know, I really had no choice but to say yes even though it’s pretty much a given that the poor kid would probably be safer in your hands during your time of the month than with me the rest of the time. I NEARLY DROPPED HIM THE FIRST TIME I HELD HIM! I didn’t mean to throw him up in the air and flail like I’d seen Snivelly naked, but Harry pooped on me and it was thin and green and gross and it ran down my arm and I just couldn’t take and... and... I reacted! If you hadn’t have been there with your ‘arresto momentum,’ Harry would’ve gone splat on the rug and Lily would’ve murdered me on the spot and James would’ve danced on my remains! And probably Voldemort and all his sissy followers, too, now that I think about it. And look what happened when they let us babysit, eh? He was teething and needed soothing and I’d grabbed the bottle of Lily’s breast milk by accident and poured it on my corn flakes - which _did_ explain why they tasted suspiciously like fish and chips, I suppose. Harry was screaming and yelling and crying and you’d ran out to get a teething ring and I didn’t know what to do and then I saw that bottle of whiskey and I thought ‘hey, it always helps me when I get a toothache.’ Only he wouldn’t take it, so that’s when I got the idea to rub it around my own nipple and sure, it worked BUT NOW HE WON’T LEAVE POOR JAMES ALONE WHEN HE TRIES TO HOLD HIM AND I CAN’T BLOODY WELL TELL HIM WHY HIS SON KEEPS TRYING TO SUCK ON HIS NIPPLE!” Sirius prattled on, finally stopping to catch his breath. “I’m a terrible, horrible person, Moony.”

Remus sat there for a moment, trying hard to let it all sink in as his head continued to pound. He absentmindedly rubbed his throbbing forehead, and sighed.

“Are you high, Sirius?” Remus asked. “Is that what this is?”  
“No! Of course not! You know I gave that up after I went streaking in Hogsmeade and got caught doing unmentionable things to that goat! Poor Aberforth... sweet of him to take the blame for me. I should send him a ‘thank you’ note, or perhaps I’ll name the baby Aberforth... if it’s a boy. If it’s a girl... Elvendork.”

Remus was facepalming again.

“You’re not pregnant! Men can’t get preggers!” Remus blew, exasperated.  
“Yes, but do you remember that time a few months ago when James and I ran into Snivelly and he spiked our tea with that potion that turned us both into girls for a straight week?”  
“How could I forget.” Remus replied, deadpan.  
“And that it happened to coincide with the full moon? What if... you know... when you and I... you know... while we were transformed?”  
“No.” Replied Remus. “Couldn’t have happened.”  
“I was female then...”  
“Not in dog form.”  
“How do you know?”  
“Because...” Remus said, and then paused for a moment and briefly blushed. “Because I was on the bottom that night, Sirius.”  
“Oh. Right.” Sirius replied, a smile spreading across his face. “You were, weren’t you?”

Remus groaned loudly and rubbed his forehead again. The pounding was getting worse by the second.

“Look, you weren’t like this when I left this morning! I mean, what did you do all day?”  
“Nothing! Honest. I just sat around in my underwear eating beans and watching Battlestar Galactica reruns and playing with myself every time one of the Cylons said ‘By your command.’ Or during the commercial breaks.”  
“Beans?”  
“And a few boiled eggs. And some wild onions I found growing out of the sidewalk outside.” Answered Sirius. “Oh, and I downed an entire bottle of Pepsi afterwards.”

Remus facepalmed for a third time.

“Um, Sirius...” He began.  
“You do that when you’re preggers, right? You eat a bunch of weird stuff?  
“Sirius...”  
“I don’t think the baby liked it, though. My belly has been killing me ever since.”  
“Sirius...”  
“OH GOD, WHAT IF I’M IN LABOR?! WHA... HOW DO WE GET IT OUT?! MOOOOOOONY! HELP ME!!!”  
“SIRIUS!”

_Plbbt._

Sirius stared at Remus in shock.

“Wha... _plbbt._ What’s happening... _plbbt. plbbbbbbt._ ...to me?!”

_Plbbt. Plbbbbbbbbbbbt. Plbbbt-plbbt-plbbt-plbbt-plbbt._

“Merlin’s beard!” Remus said, cupping his hand over his mouth as ran for the window and furiously threw it open, fanning like mad and hoping to get the stink out.

“I’m... _plbbt._ ...sorry!” Sirius replied. “These things happen when you’re... _plbbt._ ...pregnant!”  
“For the last time, YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!” Screamed Remus, coughing, his head hanging out of the window. “YOU’RE JUST FULL OF SHIT AND HOT AIR, AS USUAL.”

_PLBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!_

_Plbbt._

“Huh. I guess you were right after all, Remus.” Sirius finally muttered, patting his stomach, which had shrunk back down to it’s normal size. “Godspeed, Aberforth Elvendork Black! Be free, my gaseous child!”

“This... this is horrific!” Remus gasped, yanking up his shirt to cover his face.  
“Don’t worry. We’ll just do what everyone else does when they make catastrophic farts and stink up the place.”  
“And what is that?” Growled Remus, his voice muffled.

Sirius winked at him, grinning from ear to ear.

“Blame the dog, of course.”

***

When James Potter opened the door, he found Remus on his doorstep, shivering in the drizzling rain and looking quite ill and utterly horrified. He found such a sight to be quite odd - especially since the new moon had just passed the night before. Remus wasn’t expected to look like warmed over death for another couple of weeks. And then, he noticed Remus squeezing the bridge of his nose tightly and wincing in obvious pain. James cracked a grin. He knew a “Siri-ache” the moment he saw one.

James let Remus in out of the cold and quickly shut the door behind him. Walking over to a nearby cupboard, he pulled out a bottle of extra strength muggle painkillers and quickly tossed the bottle to his bedraggled friend. Remus pulled open the bottle viciously, shook out two pills, popped them into his mouth and swallowed hard.

“Can I crash here tonight, mate?” Remus then asked James, giving the bottle back.

“Of course.” James replied, half-smirking and winking at Remus from behind his thick spectacles. “Sirius raising a stink again?”

“You have no idea.” Remus replied, collapsing onto James and Lily’s couch. “No idea at all...”


End file.
